When Life Forces A Pivot

“Are you happy Mom?” “Mom?? Are you happy Mom?”

My toddler’s voice rang out as we scrambled to head out the door for her weekly dance class. Her questions instantly humbled me. I had been rushed and impatient with her as I helped her dress and do her hair in time.

“Yes I’m happy!” I replied.

But my daughter was picking up on something else. She was picking up on my stress. My impatience. And not just from the afternoon. But what seemed to be several weeks of tension floating in the background of our home. Life had been rather lifey this past fall, and several pivots seemed forced upon us. The largest (and most stressful) being with our children’s childcare.

While now on the other side of this rather unexpected and distressing pivot (whereby we have secured new childcare support for our kids in which they seem to be thriving), it can be tempting to look back and minimize the impact the pivot had on our family and ourselves; “Oh it was fine! It wasn’t that bad. Everything turned out great.”

Except this pivot wasn’t fine. It WAS bad. And by God’s grace it has turned out okay for us, but not for everyone involved (like some other families and teachers of our former daycare centre).

When we are faced with an unexpected pivot, a moment where we are forced to make a drastic change of plans, there can be massive grief, stress, disorientation, and fear of an unknown future. If you find yourself faced with a pivot, here are some things to keep in mind to help you walk through your journey and hopefully make it to the other side in peace and feeling connected to those around you who matter most.

1. Sleep on it
   Don’t make rash decisions. Often when there’s a shock of news, it can be tempted to panic and jump to find answers or make new plans. It’s hard to sit in the tension of knowing a new decision needs to be made, while also giving space to process it properly. Several times when I heard disappointing news regarding childcare this past fall I would send an update to a friend and finish off with, “Maybe I should just quit my job!” (The issues had nothing to do with my job, but in having sufficient childcare support so that I could work).
   
   My friends all said, “No!! Don’t quit!” Don’t make a rash decision. They were right. While waiting for more information or waiting until we can confirm a new path is frustrating, it’s important. We need at least 24-48 hours to “let the dust settle” and give space for other ideas and perspectives to be considered before we blaze ahead in a new direction.
   

2. Find extra margin
   During a couple of hairy weeks I realized how much extra emotional strength was being sucked from me. I looked at my calendar and weekly commitments and cancelled/paused a bunch of things to offer me (and my family) some extra margin. This was mostly in the evenings so that we had space to relax after a full day and allow our bodies and minds time to rest and process all that was going on. I struggled to cancel plans but my friends completely understood.
   

3. Process your grief
   During any unexpected change or major life disruption it can be hard to navigate the swarm of emotions within our hearts. Common emotions can be anger, frustration, a sense of betrayal, exhaustion, lack of trust –– and what underlined most of those for me was grief. By taking space to specifically narrow in on the feelings of grief, it allowed me the chance to process it and give it time to come out.
   
   This often looked like “holding it in” all day as I cared for my family and home and navigated each detail in our situation as we moved towards a change in childcare. But then each evening as I laid in bed and my body was finally still, what had been buried all day came to the surface: my grief rolled out of me in sobs as I cried and shared with my husband why I was feeling so sad. I realized how vital this was in the process for us to come to a decision in strength and move froward with closure. I needed to release my grief in a safe space so that I could move forward with my family into a new season.
   

4. Press into community (or a few key support people)
   When something big is going on, it can feel overwhelming to tell a lot of people, answer so many questions, and also share without knowing the full picture of what’s happening or the new direction you will head in. But it’s key to invite a few close people into the journey for wisdom and emotional support. As each day revealed new information and brought us one step closer to a decision and direction, I found recording audio updates on my phone and texting them to a few friends was a lot easier than typing it all out via text or recording multiple messages. With a major life pivot or disruption you need counsel from others and a few trusted people in your corner to support your family and offer insight or even sometimes challenge your thinking.
   

5. Be wary of how heightened emotions can influence your words toward/about others
   I knew this was going to be a temptation for me. Usually when “something bad” happens we want to direct all our frustration at someone to blame. It can be even harder when there IS one particular person at fault. But even when someone else’s shortcomings or outright sinful behaviour has caused a major disruption and forced you to pivot an area of your life, we need to be careful not to allow the heightened emotions to cloud how we speak toward or about them.
   
   It’s much easier to say than do, but someone else’s sin against me doesn’t mean it’s okay for me to sin against them in gossip, hateful words, or slander. To be honest, I failed at this over the past few months. While I was careful to restrain my words when I interacted directly with the person at fault (though I did expose their wrongdoing and challenged their lies), there were many moments where my words about them to others was not honouring or respectful. The age of social media shows us how much easier it is to bash someone online or behind their back than to their face in person.
   
   I realized there was a fine line that could be crossed in feeling rightfully angry and hurt about the situation I was forced into. In my situation this person’s sin had hurt an entire community of families, but I needed to focus on my own role in this as an individual parent and ask for God’s guidance about how to make a decision to move forward. That meant I didn’t need to be privy to every juicy and salacious detail. I didn’t need to spend hours on the phone with other parents griping about what was going on and swapping stories. I didn’t need to hear about all the investigations taking place within my city’s justice system.
   
   When a building is burning it’s so tempting to stay and watch the whole thing burn to the ground. It may be tempting to add more fuel to the fire ensuring more destruction along the way. Gossip and slander and shaming others and riling people up can be part of that fuel but not actually offer constructive paths of how to move forward. God reminded me that he was supporting me in giving guidance of how to pivot and move forward in a new direction. I could entrust the investigations and people involved to God, pray for justice, and move forward in closure.

Are you facing an unexpected life pivot? Disruption and discouragement? Forced to change your plans you spent months/years developing? It’s a hard place to be in. But know you aren’t alone in the journey. Peace is available on the other side, and it’s possible to stay grounded and connected to those who matter most in the midst of it all.

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez 🇨🇦 on Unsplash.