What My Grandma Teaches Me
In the hospital waiting together as B was having knee surgery.
It was the first Monday in December and my husband B went into the OR to prep for his knee surgery. We had woken up at 4:30am to arrive at the hospital by 6am and though it was only 9am I was exhausted. Thankfully I wasn’t alone. My grandma came and sat with me for 6 hours until I could see B in recovery in the late afternoon. When I expressed to her how I was so thankful and surprised she had stayed with me so long (she is also a full-time caregiver for 2 other people in her home), she replied, “that’s just what we always do”.
Almost exactly a week later I sat at our ministry winter retreat and listened as my colleagues started a conversation about values. I hadn’t considered before how my values underline everything I do, from my choices in the workplace, to how I engage with friends, and including my styles of communication. But as we explored that early winter morning what each of our values were and how they influenced working with others and in teams, I was dumbstruck. Did everyone not value what I did? Was it differing underlying values that often led to conflict and tension in working relationships? Where did my values come from?
Some of the things I hold most closely and dear come from broken places inside of me.
I deeply value family and placing the needs of my children and family unit first (before work demands), because I’ve witnessed up close the tragedy of sacrificing family unity and marital health on the altar of ministry.
I deeply value hard work with my hands and doing things myself, because that was the only option growing up if you needed something done. There wasn’t always someone else to do the work for you, nor the money to outsource extra support. Ironically, growing up my family teased me about being moderately lazy or wishing I had maid service. I never had it, but I did learn the value of working hard to create good and beautiful things like garden beds, a clean home, and hosting others.
But some of my other values, like service and helping others, don’t necessarily come from broken places, but from being modelled and taught over my lifetime. That when someone has a need, you do whatever you can to help and serve and meet that need, no matter what is happening in your own life. A willingness to lay down your own desires and preferences to care for others. To fight for a person’s life and wellbeing–even when it costs you something–because their life matters that much.
That is what my grandma teaches me.
🌼
When I was born my grandma was only 45 years old. Her marriage to my grandpa was her second, and though there was a significant age gap between them (20 years), he was her soulmate. It worked out great for me–while most of my friends spent time with their grandparents in nursing homes, I was with my grandma playing tennis, going on hikes, and learning about nature photography.
She was like another mother.
Her career was in nursing, and after immigrating to Canada a few years before I was born, she pursued a university education so she could work as an RN in Canada–eventually ending up working in palliative care. She always puts the needs of others first, both in her home and family and in her professional life. But she isn’t a pushover. Good luck trying to boss her around!
She is extremely creative and others oriented. Every Easter and summer holiday she would hand write poems and rhymes for a scavenger hunt around the house or cottage, always with a little gift to be found at the end. She taught me how to sew and crochet, and whenever I needed a costume off we skipped to Fabricland–her helping design and create the perfect party outfit.
As a child she nurtured in me a love for music and championed me learning to sing. She never missed a choir concert or play I was in, and helped open my eyes to the world of musical theatre.
As a pre-teen I would spend a few weeks with her every summer where I would often also attend a local drama camp. We would listen to ABBA music, have dance parties, bake, and I would learn how to host friends for dinner and set the table. We would go shopping for back-to-school clothes right around my birthday.
As I grew into an adult and my awareness of the world opened up, she was there to process questions about the world, moral dilemmas, and complex issues. We would compare notes about the books we were reading in our bookclubs. She is educated, well read, and models how to use critical thinking skills when thinking about the world.
🌼
There was a period of a few years in my early twenties where I wasn’t able to return to my childhood home. It was devastating, stressful, and complicated. My grandma took me in. Her home became mine for every holiday, summer visit, or the occasional weekend. She cared for me as a whole person, there to process the painful emotions but also celebrate life’s joys. When I changed my role at work she took me to the National Ballet. I could see how she demonstrated fierce loyalty to those she loved, she never abandoned anyone or left them behind.
Her life isn’t perfect, and she’s had her own share of relational heartbreaks. But I also saw how she clings to believing the best of others. Even in pain, disappointment, and grief she doesn’t hold a grudge. She models to me a willingness to reconcile and reconnect with others even after years of separation.
🌼
My grandma’s care for others and desire to nurture and fight for their wellbeing, no matter the personal cost reminds me of the person of Jesus who said, “This is my commandment that you love one another as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends” (John 15:12-13). As Jesus modelled a willingness to lay down his life for others on the cross, he invites us to showcase true love by serving and laying down our lives for others.
That may not look like a physical death, but definitely includes many little personal deaths as we surrender our own preferences, invest our time and resources into loving others well. My grandma lays down her life for others. There have been many times over the years where I saw her buying Christmas gifts for people who hated her, or serving others where she got nothing in return. Or using her own personal resources and money to support those who really didn’t want the help. I thought, what’s the point?
The point? She loves others deeply. She believes the best of them. She is willing to serve people who may never give anything in return, because she knows their life has value and it is worth investing in.
🌼
Recently my grandma found herself in a Tim Hortons early one morning and noticed a man sitting alone. She recognized him as having recently left an addiction detox clinic. He looked homeless, surrounded by bags and personal items. She went over to him, asked how he was feeling and if he had gotten breakfast. He admitted he had no money. She bought him something to eat. “How could I not?” she later told me.
Currently my grandma finds herself in a hard season of life, being a caregiver in a way she never anticipated. I watch her sacrifice and persevere even at the cost to herself. She teaches me that life is worth fighting for.
🌼
There is something inherently special about the relationship between a grandmother and her little granddaughter. Now with kids of my own, I see it between my daughter and my mom (nana). I see it with my kids and my grandma (Grammy). What a gift of a grandparent that loves you and cheers you on. What grace and joy.
My grandma is a gift. And she teaches me that life is a gift–and it’s worth fighting for no matter what.