When the callings of motherhood and work are in conflict

As I draw closer to my son’s first birthday, many of our friends and family ask the classic question: When are you returning to work?

The reality is I have no idea.

I know the date when my maternity leave with the government ends.

I know the date when my supervisor needs me back at work to manage a huge project.

I know the date when my son can start in daycare.

The problem is, none of those dates match. In fact, each is about 6 weeks apart from another.

This is what I’ve spent the past several months trying to problem solve, and what sometimes keeps me up at night. In fact, the more I try to come up with different solutions for my family, the more unknown the future becomes. There are too many factors outside of my control.

So I wait. And release the unknown to the Lord, and pray: God please make it clear what to do in your good timing. And the weight of the waiting has honestly been so emotionally exhausting at times.

It helps somewhat knowing that every other family is faced with the same challenge––how to navigate working outside the home with caring for young children.

It’s so hard when the needs of children, the needs of work, and the financial needs of the family seem to be in conflict. What are we supposed to do?? What path are we to choose??

There isn’t one right path. One best path. One that doesn’t come with some sort of sacrifice or cost. For some the answer many be simple: quit working outside the home, quit daycare, and be home full-time. Have I considered it? Yes. Is it something I feel ready to pursue, or even have the desire to do? No. For so many complex reasons. Especially working in ministry, I do have a sense of calling in regards to my work role. But I’m also entrusted with children to raise, and called to be their mom.

How do we navigate when two life callings seem to be in conflict?? Which one should we prioritize??

This is where I return to waiting. Specifically I am waiting on others to make decisions that will help narrow down the options of what to do until all those dates converge and align: when my son can be in daycare and I can work according to the rhythms our family has chosen. There is so much outside of my control and influence, and this is what I hate the most.

Without a plan, and agency in creating one, it’s easy to feel out of control. Which leads to feeling disorientated, stressed, and frustrated etc. I’m honestly getting to the point where I don’t care what we do, as long as we decide what we will do.

• In my heart: a plan = control = peace.

• But with God: peace = control = a plan.

He offers us peace, even when life is outside our control, and we cannot plan for the future. This is one of the upside-down realities of living in the Kingdom of Heaven. How on earth is this possible?

It is one of the mysteries of God. That through faith in the Lord Jesus we are given the gift of the Holy Spirit to dwell in us, offering God’s presence wherever we go, and full access to his peace regardless of our life’s circumstances. But even though I have full access to the Holy Spirit I don’t always experience him in my daily circumstances. The frustration of waiting and lacking control often most highlights the gap between the reality that I have access to God’s peace, but don’t always experience it.

This is where I need the reminder of Galatians 5:16-25 to walk by the Spirit, live by the Spirit, and keep in step with the Spirit. If I am in communion with the Holy Spirit, pray to him, abide in God’s word, ask for wisdom, confess my sin, what will be produced within me over time is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.

So I wait (which is so hard). And release the unknown to the Lord (a painful surrender), and pray: God please make it clear what to do in your good timing.

And I also pray: God offer me your peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, and joy through your Holy Spirit at work in me.